Kaiser The Greatest Footballer Never to Play Football

 

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Our antihero is , now in his mid-50s, a former footballer from Brazil. He says his nickname is a respectful tribute to his playing resemblance to the German football star , but it seems more likely that it’s because Kaiser was a brand of beer. For approximately 20 years, in the 1980s and 90s, Kaiser was employed as a footballer by a number of top Rio de Janeiro clubs. But he never actually played a match, never so much as kicked a ball. For all those years, he lived the life: he was a party animal and nightclub king. He was good-looking, a great dancer, a notorious womaniser and an inveterate wearer of tiny Speedos. He did everything footballers were supposed to do – except play football. The one time he was actually forced on to the field during a match, he pretended to have heard an opposing fan shout insults at the chairman, leapt into the crowd to start a fight and was duly sent off.

To the bemusement of fellow players, he would train fiercely hard, though without going near the ball, then he would fake injury and get released from his contract, going from club to club and telling credulous TV interviewers about his supposed stints with clubs abroad.How on earth did he get away with it? It seems to have started when the actual Brazilian legend Carlos Alberto captain of the 1970 World Cup-winning team – took a chance as coach on signing the keen young Kaiser. The bafflingly ineffective youngster was inevitably let go after a short while, but he had what amounted to a reference, and it got him a similarly short-lived job at another club, and another. Like so many victims of con tricks.  Like so many victims of con tricks, each club was ashamed to say they’d been had......